So I'm lying there on the floor, petting my dog. And she's really getting into it - I'm scratching the super furry part on her neck, and behind her ears, you know, the hard parts for a dog to scratch. So she's grunting happily and snapping her teeth. And maybe I should mention here that I'm topless. Not for any reason associated with the dog, I swear. It's just that I get distracted. I do a lot of things topless. I'll be in the middle of getting dressed and think - oh, where's that shirt, I need to do laundry, look at the garbage can, it's full, I should make a list and put new garbage bags on it, let me check the fridge to see what else I need to buy, I need to sort through my coins so I can put them in that cool machine at the grocery store, but I want to put the quarters in a baggie in my suitcase 'cause I like to buy Cokes at the office in Denver, ooh, now I want a Diet Coke, but I'm out so I'll boil some water to make iced tea, and YIKES! I'm near an open flame topless. And the blinds are open. I should put on a shirt and/or close the blinds, but maybe I should put away the laundry first and check my phone for a text. Ooh! a text, but crap, it's just my boss tweeting and that means I need to read another article.
Oh yeah, so anyway, I'm petting the dog topless and I wonder what would happen if she accidentally bit me on the boob. Would I need stitches? If so, I'd have to call a neighbor, 'cause I watch "Law & Order: Special Victims Unit" all the time and they totally can tell whose bite marks they are, and then the ER doctors would call SVU and they will be interviewing my dog about abuse and she'll have to mention all the sordid things she's seen in the bedroom and, oh god, yet another reason I won't be able to run for office. And they might take her away from me, and put me on some kind of dog molesters registry where I can't live within 50 feet of a dog which would mean I could only live around cats, which would totally suck. Or wait, are the registries species-specific? What if I couldn't live near any animal? It would have to just be domestic animals - it would be so unfair if you couldn't live within 50 feet of a squirrel or chipmunk cause those fuckers are everywhere, and nobody really cares if you are mean to them. Squirrels used to get in our garbage spread it all over the yard when I lived with two other girls in Virginia and it really was gross if someone was on their period So, wait, what was I talking about?
